


Changing Tides

by scintillateworld



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-21
Updated: 2017-02-11
Packaged: 2018-09-01 09:36:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 19,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8619310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scintillateworld/pseuds/scintillateworld
Summary: AU. At one point in their lives they could never imagine being apart. But now it’s nine years later when their paths cross again. In the midst of a case, they are forced to confront their past when reality comes crashing down and they have to decide how to move forward. Will they have another chance or has too much time passed?





	1. The end of the beginning

**Author's Note:**

> It took me some going back and forth before I decided to post this. The idea for this AU multi-chapter has been going around in my head for quite some time, and here it is. 
> 
> This first chapter is set nine years in the past, whereas the rest of the story will be in the present. So from the second chapter I will move ahead nine years to the present. 
> 
> I sincerely hope everyone is going to enjoy this. If there are ever any questions, or thoughts/comments about this story, let me know.

* * *

 

'' **When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times."** **  
****~ Mitch Albom**

 

* * *

 

_Nine years ago…_

With anticipation and insurmountable joy she gazed across the parking lot of the FBI Academy to catch sight of the one person she so desperately wanted to embrace. It had been five months of occasional visits if their schedules allowed for it. But now the future seemed much for promising for them, and she couldn't wait for it to begin.

Without warning, she suddenly heard a familiar voice. _His voice_. She whirled around into his direction, her eyes falling upon him. She froze, standing still for what seemed ages as she glanced at him. The smile curving her lips was unbeatable as she adjusted to the picture of his presence before her.

His face reflected her emotions. The happiness, the beaming smile, and finally that look of endless love. The effect of his presence on her would never change. Just a glimpse of that smirk spreading across his features would forever be seared into her memory.

After several more seconds, she began to approach him without restraint, her feet carrying her quickly into his direction. When she reached him, she dropped her bag to the ground and jumped into his open arms. Her face nestled against his neck, breathing in his scent and enjoying the feeling of being home in his arms once again. It had been too long.

''Mi amor,'' he whispered breathlessly. Her embrace had knocked the wind out of him, but he was overjoyed to hold her again. Seeing her again had consumed his life for the past month. Life without her was unbearable. ''…I missed you.''

Olivia tightened her hold around him, pulling him impossibly closer as the tears formed in her eyes. ''I missed you more.'' she spoke softly through the mess of tears falling down her cheeks.

The soft trembling of her body in his arms forced him to pull back and gaze into her brown eyes. He was faced with her eyes shining with tears and he felt his heart drop. Their parting five months ago had tested the bounds of their relationship. And he knew her tears represented relief. They could finally move forward without distance in their relationship. It was a fresh start.

''It's over, Liv.'' he reminded her, gently wiping the tears from her face. ''You're finally coming home.''

She leaned in, lowering her eyes to his lips and a few moves later, her lips brushed against his in a passionate kiss. As he pulled her closer, the heat in her body intensified. The kiss quickly turned into one of heat and intense want.

He kissed her once more and broke away from her with a deep sigh of contentment. ''You did it, cariño. Your dream has become a reality, and I am so proud of you.''

''I couldn't have done it without you, Rafael.'' she told him. ''You've supported me through this entire process. It means more to me than words could ever say.''

He lifted his hand, cupping her cheek gently. ''I love you, Liv. I'd do anything for you.'' he said kindly, the words initiating a happy grin on her face.

''And I love you, too.'' she beamed, never breaking eye contact with him. ''So let's go home. Our future is awaiting us.'' she said with hope.

He was the only person she'd ever seen such a bright future with. The start of their relationship had been unexpected, but once everything fell into place she didn't dare to question it. He'd become everything to her. The love she never believed in. The man she trusted with her heart. He was her reality.

''Actually, I booked a hotel suite and a table at a nice restaurant for tonight. I thought it would be nice to spend some time alone before we have to go back.'' he explained quickly. ''Only if you want to.''

She shook her head immediately when she noticed him doubting his plans. She put her hand on his arm, squeezing it gently. ''No, I love it. A date night sounds absolutely amazing.''

Words failed him completely as he stared back at her, still wondering how he had ended up with her. There were moments when he believed their relationship was too good to be true. Possibly because he was afraid to have his heart broken again after Yelina. But Olivia was different. It had been since the beginning.

Her soft laughter brought him back to reality and he leaned down to pick up her bag. He held it in one hand as he used the other to hold hers as they moved into the direction of the car. The happiness was present on each of their. They were together at last after all.

* * *

Several hours later, Olivia appeared in the hotel lobby dressed to impress. Her hair flowed in smooth waves around her shoulders, her modest dress showed off her gentle curves, and for the first time in a long time she felt beautiful again. Five months at the FBI academy hadn't allowed for many nights out, let alone date nights.

Her eyes landed on Barba who stood close to the entrance, waiting for her after he had hailed a cab. She threw him a beaming smile as she walked into his direction. His suit, as fashionable as ever, looked unbelievably good on him. And as he returned her smile, she felt her heart flutter in anticipation of the night to come. Spending time with him was all she thought about.

Barba closed the distance between, leaning in to give her a quick kiss on the lips. She truly was a sight for sore eyes. ''You look stunning.'' he complimented.

''Thank you, Rafi. You're as handsome as ever.''

Together they walked into the cold evening air of DC, and disappeared into their cab and to the restaurant. They enjoyed each other's company in silence as Olivia settled against his, her head leaning on his shoulder.

The mood in the restaurant was peaceful and romantic. Conversation had run smoothly, both of them intent on making up for lost time.

''I'm really happy, Rafael.'' Olivia revealed openly, her voice filled with warmth. ''These past few months have been so incredibly difficult for us both. Seeing each other three times wasn't nearly enough, was it?''

He sighed and thought back to all the days spent without her. ''No, it wasn't.'' he answered honestly. ''Waking up to an empty bed every morning and not seeing you during the day was painful. I missed you every single day.'' he went on. ''I missed our conversations, our late-night drinks in my office. My life feels meaningless without you in it, Liv.''

Sometimes she blamed herself for putting them through it, but in the end she believed the sacrifice was worth it. ''I never meant to put us through this.'' she began. ''But as soon as Porter asked me to apply to the FBI Academy on his recommendation, I knew it was an offer I couldn't refuse. Becoming an Agent was all I ever aspired to be.''

''You were too good of a Detective for you to go unnoticed by him.'' Barba remarked. ''You were one of the best at SVU, and believe me, the squad misses you.''

''I miss them too.'' she said, as she felt him take her hand into his. ''Life really has changed for us.''

''Life has a funny way of making things happen.'' he reckoned. ''I've never been a believer in fate or destiny, but us meeting by accident feels a lot like fate to me.''

She chuckled at the memory of them first meeting about a year ago. It had been a quick introduction between them as they had bumped into each other by accident. But weeks later when they saw each other again things became more real. And one conversation turned into drinks in his office once a week, and then once a week became every single night. ''I think we came into each other's lives at a time when we needed each other.'' she told him. ''You've been my lifeline throughout some of hardest times of my life. My mom's death, getting shot on the job. You've been by my side through it all.''

''You did the same for me, Liv.'' he reminded her, noticing the emotion in her eyes. ''Fortunately, better moments are ahead.''

''Speaking of better moments. Do you want to have dessert?'' she asked seductively, her voice hinting at something he'd surely understand.

He smirked at her, putting his elbows on the table as he leaned forward. ''I'd love to have you as dessert.'' he teased as her eyes darkened at his words. ''Let me pay the bill and then we can get out of here.''

''Yes, please.'' she encouraged.

* * *

She sat hunched up against the headboard, her eyes boring into her phone as if it would change the outcome of the call she had just gotten. Her happy demeanor had vanished and replaced itself with one of shock and questions.

At the same time, the bathroom door swung open and Barba walked out with a towel wrapped around his waist. He pushed a hand through his wet hair, still completely unaware of the call Olivia had just gotten.

But with one glance her way, he knew something was terribly wrong. The look on her face spoke of anguish and sadness. An expression he wasn't often confronted with by her. ''Liv, what is it?'' he questioned, his voice giving away his fears of what she was about to tell him.

Big brown eyes stared back at him, and in them he saw the inability to form words. He moved to the bed and sat down on the edge, reaching out for her hand and holding it reassuringly. ''You're scaring me.'' he noted. ''Liv, please just tell me.''

She opened her mouth to relay the conversation to him, but words faltered. It was if the ground beneath her had shifted. All of her future plans suddenly came into question, and she suspected his would too.

Finally she dared to meet his green eyes, her phone falling onto the bed. ''That was Dean Porter.'' she stated fearfully. ''My assignment in New York has fallen through and I've been reassigned to the San-Francisco field office. I'm leaving tomorrow morning.''

Words failed to register with him as she spoke. She had to be lying, or someone had to be playing a joke on him. This couldn't be happening. Not after all the pain they endured by being apart for so long, only to be ripped apart again. He couldn't handle more of it.

''San-Francisco?'' he repeated, and very unexpectedly he burst out in laughter. He refused to believe it. Believe that her new career would take her so far. ''That's across the country. We barely made it work between New York and DC. If you go to San-Francisco, I may never see you again.'' he continued on. His laughter had subsided and was exchanged with realism.

He suddenly released her hand and pushed himself up of the bed. His head was spinning as he made it to the other side of the room, needing a moment to let the news sink in.

Olivia moved to the edge of the bed as Barba stared out the window, his back turned to her. She had no reassurances, no clever comebacks. She simply had nothing to refute his fears. In that moment they only had each other, but he seemed to distance himself almost immediately.

''Rafael, please talk to me!'' she pleaded with him as she stood behind him. ''Please, don't give up on us.''

He folded his arms across his chest as the air between them turned heavy. The tension could be cut with a knife as he tried to search for the right set of words. He didn't want to hurt her, never intended to do so. ''What do you want me to say?'' he questioned, his voice filled with hurt as he turned to face her.

''Tell me you love me. Tell me we'll find a way to make this work. Tell me you're in this relationship for the long haul. Promise me, you won't give up.'' she said. ''Anything to make me belief we can make it!''

His shoulders slumped when he realized the fight had left him. He had nothing more to give her, to promise her. ''I don't know if I can.'' he whispered painfully. ''You were supposed to come back to New York, Liv. We were going to move in together.'' he reminded her, and at the same time all their promises came rushing back to him. So many promises made, yet it seemed they'd never become real. ''What's going to happen now?''

She knew there was only one choice to make, one thing that wouldn't keep them apart. ''I'll turn down the assignment. It means I won't get another post, but at least we'll be together.'' she offered quickly. ''I can go back to SVU.''

''No, absolutely not.'' he shot back, his anger pushing its way to the surface. ''This is everything you ever worked for. I'd never allow you to give it up for me.''

A silence fell in the room, neither of them moving or attempting to speak. The silence spoke volumes of the circumstances they found themselves in. There seemed to be no solid solution, nothing that could fix what was about to be broken.

Olivia was the first one to move. She rushed towards him in a desperate attempt to make them forget. To get lost in each other, to feel something good, to erase that moment.

She pinned her body against his, catching him off guard as her lips descended upon his in a fiery kiss. She moaned into his mouth when he responded back with equal hunger. She took a few steps back as he began to push her toward the bed. Their lips were glued together, their hands desperately clinging on each other's bodies.

When her hands began to trail down his torso, he took a hold of them to make her stop. ''Liv, this isn't a good idea.''

''What else do you want do?'' she whispered breathlessly into his ear.

His eyes had darkened, his body responding to their kiss and the proximity of her body. His mind seem to be blank when he was overwhelmed by a desire and hunger only for her. It had always been intense and he could never deny her.

''I want to spend all day in bed with you doing wicked things and never leaving this room.'' he told her, his voice dripping with desire.

She moved her lips to his neck and gently kissed a trail down to his collarbone, feeling him release her hands. ''No one is stopping you.''

His iron will snapped at her teasing and he continued pushing her back to the bed. Their lips resumed their fight for dominance as he urged her onto the bed. He moved on top of her, feeling her loosen the towel around his waist.

It was then that he realized there was no going back. He had nothing to offer her but that small moment between them, even though it was a failing attempt at fixing the impossible.

The barriers between them were lost in mere seconds, and as their naked bodies pressed together, their fears had been shed. In that instant, there was nothing but them in the world. There was only love and hope, something that had always been there.

As he joined their bodies as one, his name fell from her lips while their eyes connected. It were the unsung moments between them that were trivial in their relationship. Moments like that, in which a simple gaze was enough for them to bare their souls to each other.

When they both came down from their highs, Olivia rolled over into his arms, and he immediately encircled them around her. Her head came to rest on his chest, the beating of his heart the only sound in the room.

The fear for their relationship began resurfacing, but she quickly pushed the thoughts away and focused on the feeling of his arms surrounding her. Soon enough, she realized he'd fallen asleep, and she slipped from his embrace. She reached for her phone on the nightstand, opening it up to her messages. For just a moment she gazed to her side, knowing the choice she was about to make would be worth it in the end.

* * *

Rays of bright sunlight lit up the modest hotel room, and forced its only occupant to wake up. The room was eerily silent as if representing the heartbreak and pain which was soon to follow.

A moan escaped Olivia's mouth as she turned on her side, expecting to open her eyes to the only man she wanted to see. But as her eyes opened she was met with an empty side of the bed. In that moment she held herself together with the thought of him having gone into the bathroom, but as she got up and rested on the edge of the bed, her surroundings told her a very different story.

His clothes were gone, his side of the bed empty, and there was only silence. Her fear was confirmed when she found the bathroom unoccupied, and in her moment of confusion she slumped down on the bed. She reached for her phone and dialed the only number she knew by heart, only to be met with the sound of heartbreak. His phone was off. He had left nothing behind, except her.

She dialed the number again, desperately clinging onto hope but once again she had the same result. And as she waited to leave a message, the realization began to hit her. Her body froze, her phone trembling in her hand and falling to the floor.

Her eyes fixed on the desk where a piece of paper caught her attention with a familiar handwriting on it. She rose to her feet and moved to the desk with shaking legs, reaching out for the paper.

She read the words at least a dozen times, unable to believe what he'd written.

_Olivia, I'm so sorry._

_I wish things were different and we could move forward together, but our timing hasn't been right in a long time. And we both know timing is everything. If the past five months have proven anything, it's that our relationship won't survive more time apart._

_I have to let you go. I'm truly sorry._

_I'll always love you,_

_Rafael_

As the note began to register, she found herself tightly holding onto the desk for support. Her legs began to weaken beneath her, and before she could move, she dropped to the floor.

_He was gone_.

Minutes passed, and she tried to understand what had happened. How he'd been able to leave without a word. So her eyes took in his writing once more, and she was unable to grasp how he'd made the choice to let her go.

Her eyes crossed the floor and she noticed her phone when she realized she had another call to make. She got up from the ground, picking up the phone and sitting on the edge of the bed. She pushed her emotions to the surface as she dialed the number, ready to rectify the message she had sent just hours before.

After the call ended, she breathed in deeply to remain calm. The emotional struggle, and the confusion passed through her in waves. She wondered whether this truly was the end for them. And trying to come to terms with it, seemed unbearable.


	2. Where it all begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's my second installment, and I hope everyone will enjoy this. I want to thank everybody for the amazing response to the first chapter! The comments and kudos mean everything. 
> 
> So now we're officially back in the present.

_Present…_

The office had grown quiet as she continued working through the staggering amount of reports, which had piled up on her desk. The responsibility accompanied by heading a FBI Unit were immense, and she had learned that soon after she had accepted the job three years earlier. But despite the long days, and often horrific cases, she didn't want to be anywhere else.

The small team of five agents under her command was a tight nit group, and together they dove into the dark world of crimes perpetrated against children. It involved dedication, and often didn't allow for a personal life whatsoever. But she'd grown accustomed to living only for her career. Her personal life had been non-existent for quite some time.

She closed a file and moved it to edge of her desk, when a soft knock on her door sounded. She looked up at the door, wondering who'd be at her office door at such an hour. ''Come in.''

The door opened and revealed her former boss, Dean Porter. The shock overcame her immediately, and she closed another file on her desk. They hadn't been in contact for three years after she left his division, to head up her current post. Working with him had been both a blessing and a curse, but that didn't take away from his capabilities.

From the expression on his face, she detected frustration and she realized he was about to lay it all out before her. He was after all not the type of person to beat around the bush, that much she knew.

''Still burning the midnight oil.'' Porter remarked as he marched over to her desk. He sat down in one of the chairs opposite of her, noticing her lack of verbal response to his presence. ''Well, I do believe we've had more pleasant encounters.'' he suggested, and finally her eyes lifted to his.

She didn't flinch, knowing he was trying to lighten the mood before dropping something on her. ''Is there something I can help you with, Porter?''

He nodded at her directness. ''The Deputy Director reached out to me earlier tonight.'' he began in annoyance. ''Apparently we have an interest in of the suspects NYPD is currently holding for questioning.''

She was about to ask the question when she stopped herself. It hit her immediately. There could be no other reason for Porter visiting her office at that time a night. The thought, however, created a lump in her throat.

''Let me guess, Lloyd Anderson?'' she offered immediately.

''They suspect him of multiple rape homicides in New York.'' he explained quickly. ''I tried to explain to the Manhattan DA that he is currently of grave importance to us in a case we've been developing for years. I didn't provide them with the details, but he is unwilling to release him into FBI custody.''

Olivia sat forward in shock, her elbows coming to rest on the desk. ''Are you telling me we can't interfere?''

Porter shook his head at her question. ''The Director insist we cooperate.'' he explained. ''He wants to promote interagency cooperation, including that with local law enforcement. I tried to press the issue, but he wouldn't hear me.'' he replied. ''The Manhattan District Attorney just informed me that they are willing to discuss the matter in person, so an ADA will be traveling here to make possible arrangements.''

The politics is what she despised most. Her work meant everything to her, but being overshadowed because politeness was required for political relations annoyed her to no end. She had often pushed her own interests aside, but with this case too much was riding on it.

''That to me sounds like a ploy by the DA to waste our time so we can't have a possible interrogation with him.'' she immediately suspected. ''I'll book a flight to New York immediately. I'll inform Agent Brandon that he'll be in charge for as long as I'm gone.''

Porter had risen from the chair, about to walk out of the office, when he suddenly turned around and moved back to her desk. ''Do you have any contacts at the DA's office from your time at SVU?'' he questioned.

''The ADA assigned to SVU at the time was my friend Alex Cabot, but she's working for the International Criminal Court in The Hague now.'' she replied, hoping to steer from her contacts in New York as quickly she could. ''I have no pull there anymore, Porter.''

The truth was, she didn't want to hold influence over anyone from her past. Her time in New York was something she'd buried long ago. Even though she exchanged the occasional email with members of her squad back then, she had mostly lost touch with friends from her past.

Porter sighed, knowing how unlikely their success would be in trying to get Anderson in their custody. ''Maybe I can get assurances from the Chief Judge and the US Attorney that they will push for an order of extradition.'' he told her. ''If the US Attorney can get multiple convictions in this case it will look good when he wants to get re-elected. I'll remind him of that.''

Olivia was surprised that he seemed so willing to go the extra mile. ''Going above the Director's head won't lead to anything good.'' she stated firmly.

''I'll be fine.'' he reassured. ''The next 72 hours are vital, Olivia. If NYPD releases him we may never get another lead. And you and I both know that Anderson can lead us right to the person we really want.''

She leaned back in her chair, watching as he once again moved toward the door. ''Dean!'' she called out before he exited her office.

He turned around and was both shocked and happy at the sound of her saying his given name. ''You know, it's been a long time since you called me that.'' he declared as his lips curved into a smile.

She smiled back for a few seconds, and then realized she didn't want to cross any lines. Not with him especially. ''I just wanted to say thank you for informing me about Anderson, and getting me involved.''

''No need to thank me, Olivia. This case means a lot to everybody, and the higher-ups want to see it solved as long as we don't go above NYPD in this.'' he responded kindly. ''And I especially know what this means to you. You're the most motivated to close this case because you lost the most.''

Hundreds of cases had crossed her desk in the nine years she worked for the FBI, but there was one case she could never let go off. Not until it was solved and those responsible were convicted for their crimes.

She nodded at him as she fought to keep her emotions in check. ''Thank you.''

''Have a safe trip to New York, and stay in touch.'' he said as began to approach the door. ''If you need assistance I will join you in New York.''

* * *

Early next morning, the plane had touched down in New York. As she drove through the city, the feeling of familiarity struck a chord with her. The memories remained hidden, but the idea of being back in a place she'd once called home felt incredibly strange. Once upon a time, New York had been the only city she saw herself living. But of course, like many others things, her dreams and desires had changed.

And as she found herself approaching the courthouse, she froze in her tracks. She observed the building from a distance, clenching the coffee in her hands. People passed her by, noises were all around her, and she realized that some things hadn't changed. Perhaps it was just her. Maybe her perception of a once great life had changed, and forced her to view things differently.

Times spent in court rushed back to her. The overwhelming emotion of victory at a conviction, or the sickening feeling when a not guilty verdict had been read. She still remembered her squad, and working closely with Alex, whom had been her best friend. There were many good memories, but unfortunately they were unable to balance out the heartbreak the city embodied to her.

She shuddered as a strong wind blew, and she buried one hand in the pocket of her coat. Her meeting would start in fifteen minutes, and she needed that time to prepare herself. Burying emotions and distancing herself had become one of her strong suits. But she was about to enter a meeting where the stakes were higher than ever before.

The recent scandals that hit the District Attorney's Office hadn't gone unnoticed, and she hoped that recent changes would be in her advantage. Through sources she learned they were scrambling to repair their image by hiring fresh blood.

She checked her phone. Ten more minutes left. The conflicting emotions flashed through her and had her glued to the spot, still. She knew avoidance wouldn't lead to anything. So she turned to her left, dropping the coffee into the trash bin, and starting her approach to the courthouse.

* * *

The sound of a ringing phone interrupted the meeting in the room and forced its possessor into the hallway. Closing the door to the conference room, he glared down at the screen as an amusing feeling coursed through him. Through the craziness and the interruption, the caller always managed to make him smile.

''Mami.'' he greeted kindly as he put the phone to his ear. ''What can I do for you?''

On the other end of the line, Lucia Barba sighed in relief to finally hear her son's voice. ''Rafi!'' she replied kindly. ''Mi hijo, it has been a week since we last spoke. Can't a mother be worried about her son?''

Barba leaned with his back against the wall, his eyes shifting down to his watch. ''Of course you can, mami.'' he agreed as a grin spread across his face. ''How are you?''

''I'm good, Rafael. But I called to ask you that.'' she reminded him easily.

His mother was never one to avoid getting straight to the point. ''Work has been crazy with the late hours and transitions going on, but I'm fine.'' he told her quickly.

''Did I call you at a bad time? You sound a little stressed.''

He took a deep breath to settle his emotions. The pressure accompanying his promotion had most certainly put a lot of stress on him. The responsibility of his new job was one he could handle. It just took time to adjust to. He was simply overworked and sleep-deprived.

''Work is just busy, mami. Can I call you back tonight?''

''Of course.''

After saying their goodbyes he ended the call and returned the phone to his pocket. He moved away from the wall, rushing back to the conference room.

He stepped back inside, taking his seat at the head of the table as all eyes turned back to him.

''I apologize for the interruption.'' he started off. ''I'll say this again, from now on we're running a clean office. We've taken a hit with the recent scandals, and big changes have followed. But I was hired to keep this office honest and ethical.'' he went on. ''Now, please get back to work and come to me with any problems.''

People began leaving the room to get back to work as Barba remained in his seat. One of the ADA's stayed behind and approached him.

''Mr. Barba, I wanted to inform you that I'm about to go into a meeting with an Agent from the FBI.'' he informed quickly. ''I know we're not cooperating with them, but how do I handle the meeting?''

Barba rose from the chair, putting his hands on the table. ''Try to find out why the FBI is interested in Anderson, and don't divulge any information of our investigation.'' he said. ''We can't afford to lose this case to the FBI.''

* * *

The meeting had started off with the usual niceties, but soon enough Olivia knew the younger man before her was digging for details about their case.

''Ma'am, can you give us any details concerning your investigation?''

As the sentence reached her ears, she stood up from the chair, her patience begging to wear thin. ''First of all, it's Supervisory Special Agent Benson or SSA Benson, but for you I'll make the exception of Agent Benson.'' she corrected calmly. ''And second, I won't share any information until you do.''

Olivia watched as the ADA took in her words, his face reddening. Her own expression was stern, no compassion traceable as she watched him attempt to form an apology. ''You'll be hearing from my superiors within the hour. The US State's Attorney, the Chief Judge, and the Executive Assistant Director from the National Security Branch all have a stake in this case.'' she lied all too easily.

At the same time, Barba walked across his office to reach for a pile of files, when he stopped dead in his tracks. He had no idea how long he stood there in the middle of his office, gazing into the direction of the meeting taking place in the opposite room. His mind came up spinning and then suddenly hit a halt, as if he was frozen in time.

The image must have been a hallucination. It simply couldn't be possible. But as his eyes took sight of the familiar silhouette, he knew it was no dream. She was there. It wasn't imagination, it was reality. One he couldn't begin to comprehend.

Yet as he lost himself in his haze, his eyes remained transfixed on her. Fearful that she'd disappear if he moved an inch, he stood impossibly still. Her movements were subtle and gracious, her poise a never fading quality. Something he remembered fondly.

From that distance he could recognize her with ease. Months of remembering the planes and features of her body would never allow him to forget her. Olivia Benson, the woman who had once been his lifeline, was mere feet away from. Still unaware of his presence.

His eyes continued to cross the room with his gaze fixed on her. And then suddenly out of nowhere, she spun around, and his breathing hitched. A set of deep brown eyes connected to his with equal intensity and emotion, forcing him back years in the past. He tried to grasp the enormity of the moment, but failed.

Done with the meeting, she spun around in a fraction of a second, only to be met with green eyes filled with recognition. She gasped, her eyes widening as she tried to get a grip on reality.

Her world suddenly slowed down, the voice in the room fading into the background as she stared back at him. Her own expression remained blank, whereas his seemed to be filled with wonder.

Her instinct was to run and never look back. Just to allow herself to keep him buried in her past. To continue on as she had for nine years. Without him.

The possibility of them meeting again never seemed far out of reach to her. Yet she'd hoped for her own sanity that it wouldn't happen. To her he was an enigma, mysterious and yet predictable at once. He embodied not only a broken heart, but dreams and promises unfulfilled. A combination that could easily push her boundaries.

She involuntarily gripped the chair before her as a means of supporting herself. The situation had yet to set in, and her focus was elsewhere. Her eyes wandered across the features of his face, and she found that nothing had truly changed. He still looked as beautiful and untamed, a man with his own will, never relenting to anyone.

Her eyes lingered on him, careful with her own expressions. It were his eyes that spoke a thousand words, even from across the room. Filled with green and traces of brown, she remembered those eyes by heart. The emotions they had shared, the heartbreak, it all been in his expressive eyes.

She was as gorgeous as ever. Her curves, now fuller, were beautiful. Her face more mature yet the same in many ways.

But when he finally dared to take a few steps forward, the distance evaporating, he noted the unknowing glance on her face. Her eyes, although the same he once knew, represented distance and detachment. A look only carried by those who had seen too much, those who had experienced too much devastation.

It forced him to wonder how her life had played out in the nine years he hadn't seen her. Whether she'd been happy or perhaps unhappy with her life. This confrontation couldn't come without questions, he realized that.

For some reason their exchange had felt like a lifetime, while it had only been several seconds. He'd held her attention for too long, and she finally turned away from his gaze to focus her attention on the apologizing man behind her.

She turned her back to Barba, her heart beating in her chest. ''You'll be hearing from us.'' she ended quickly.

She had to get out of there, had to find a moment alone to breathe without his eyes on her. And as she fled the office, she kept her eyes adverted to the ground.

As soon as the cold air and wind hit her, she felt tears forming in her eyes while walking the courthouse steps. The circumstances engulfed her, the emotions devastating. Years of attempting to move on hadn't helped much when she had faced him. Instead, the feelings she buried deep long ago all came rushing back. It was a paralyzing feeling, the inability to control her emotions.

Their meeting was almost a cruel twist of fate. It immersed her in questions, not only about him but about her feelings as well. It made her question everything. In the past, when she'd been with him, she believed that he came into her life for a reason. Simply to enrich it. But now, now there was no reason, no simple explanation. Nothing could erase the sickening feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She took a deep breath and tried to get her bearings, knowing she had to push aside her personal attachments. Her career was number one in her life, especially now, so she picked up the phone and quickly dialed Porter's number.

At the first ring the call went straight to voicemail. She sighed and waited for the beeps to end so she could leave him a message.

'' _Dean, I thought I'd let you know that the NYPD and DA's office are refusing to cooperate. They tried getting information from me instead, but I didn't give them anything._ '' she informed him quickly as she resumed her way down the street. ' _'I'm going to book a hotel room for the time being. Reinforcements would be appreciated. Call me._ ''

* * *

Knowing her time in New York would be extended due to the lack of cooperation, she booked a hotel room close to the courthouse and awaited a message from Porter.

As she stepped through the doorway of her room, her phone indicated that a message had come in. She dropped her go-bag to the ground and closed the door. She retrieved her phone and smiled at the confirmation message that Porter would be joining her in New York.

She threw her phone onto the bed while moving further into the room. She continued to place her gun on the bedside table, and ridding herself of her blazer. Her entire body felt heavy when she finally dropped to the bed, turning on her side.

She desperately needed a moment to come to terms with the events of the day, even though it was only lunchtime. Her mind was filled with too many concerns. The past seemed to have decided to come back to haunt her, her demons never far behind.

Her eyes finally closed, the exhaustion overtaking her for a long moment. But just as quickly she was forced awake. A soft knocked sounded on the door and jolted her awake, causing her to groan out in frustration.

Getting onto her feet, she straightened her blouse. She moved to the door, leaning forward to glance through the peephole.

As she took in the person standing on the other side, she pulled back immediately. A hand went through her hair, and her heart sped up again for the umpteenth time that day. She was unable to make a choice of what to do next, or even how to move.

''Liv, I can hear you.''


	3. The past in the present

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you so much for the kudos!
> 
> This is the first chapter containing a flasback to provide context to their relationship in the past. And for those concerned about Porter, I promise he will not be getting together with Olivia.

'' _Liv, I can hear you.''_

The sound of his voice caused her heart to beat that much faster as she backed away from the door. Forming words became impossible, knowing he was standing behind that door, mere inches away.

She'd never entertained the fantasy of facing him again. Thinking about situations in which their paths would cross only hurt her more. And even as she stood there, she tried to find any words to describe her feelings. Nothing seemed good enough. Perhaps it was anger, pain, or maybe just heartbreak. She didn't know.

She could hear him shifting on the other side as she took another step forward. Words still failed her. Simply because she couldn't make sense of the situation. Of him even. It was still too surreal.

''Open the door, Olivia.'' he pleaded, his voice filled with the need to see her. To make sure she was truly there. ''I can hear you. I know you're there.'' he whispered gently, as he put one hand on the door.

He sighed as the door remained closed. But how could he blame her? The day had been just as surprising to him as it must've been for her. If she felt anything like him, she was hurting badly.

''I just want to see you.'' he mumbled. ''All I've wanted in these past nine years is to see your face. Please open the door, Liv.''

She reached out to the door, her hand coming to rest on the handle. She didn't know if she was truly ready to open that door. But it felt like she had nothing left to lose. Whatever choice would follow, she had to live with either way.

A few seconds later, she turned the lock and opened the door, her eyes pointed straight ahead of her. The door slowly swung open, until Barba came in full view of her.

The closeness to him is what forced a wave of wonder through her. He was so close, closer than before and it felt strange. In a way it seemed like no time had passed. As if they stood before one another thrown back into the past. Like nothing had changed in their lives. But it had, and how to move forward from that point on seemed unattainable.

When their eyes locked, she felt the goosebumps on her skin. Her lips parted as she hesitated to speak. ''Hi.'' she croaked out, seeing a genuine smile forming.

He carefully and slowly took one step in her direction, never breaking eye contact. ''Hey.'' he greeted back, having no idea where the confrontation was about to go. He knew it wasn't necessarily a confrontation as much as it was them being forced to face the past.

''I don't what to say.'' she revealed openly, wincing at her own words when it was too late to take them back. ''I have no words right now.''

He nodded and could see her struggling before him. He only wondered with what emotion. Anger, pain, heartbreak. Most likely all of them, that much was to be expected. ''You don't have to say anything, Liv.'' he told her. ''I don't expect you to say anything to me.''

She shifted uncomfortably on her feet, her arms crossing her chest as a defense mechanism. ''So you work for the Manhattan DA's office now?'' she asked awkwardly.

''Yeah, I was promoted to Executive Assistant District Attorney three months ago.'' he replied as continued to hover in the doorway. ''What about you? Where are you currently located?''

She felt pride course through her as he mentioned his promotion. In the past, she'd admired him when he worked in Brooklyn. He was a force to be reckoned with in court, and she had loved watching him. ''That's amazing. Congratulations.'' she said, her voice gentle as she fought the surfacing emotions. ''I'm in DC.''

The parallels weren't lost on her. He'd left her in a hotel room nine years ago, only to have their first conversation in a hotel again.

''Do you maybe want to have a late lunch? Catch up?''

Her heart jumped at the question and her first impulse was to say yes, if only to catch up on their lives. Despite everything, she still cared deeply for him. A relationship like theirs wouldn't be quickly forgotten. ''If the situation had been different, yes.'' she answered in a saddened manner. ''But I think it would be unwise given that the FBI wants Anderson in custody. I want him in custody, Barba, and I have a feeling it'll lead to conflict.''

He nodded, disappointed yet understanding. She was setting boundaries, and although he understood, it didn't erase the difficulty of the situation. In a way, she seemed different. Almost detached as they spoke and it led him to wonder whether she was burying their past, or if she truly felt the need to remain professional.

''No, of course. I understand.'' he agreed. ''I did hear that you intimidated one of the ADA's this morning.''

She didn't flinch as he spoke his last sentence. ''It wasn't as much intimidation as it was a friendly suggestion.''

He shrugged his shoulders as he studied her closely, unable to trace any emotion from her expression. Unlike before, she was now stoic and resigned. ''A friendly suggestion.'' he repeated, knowing how ridiculous that term was. She had intimidated one of his people, and that did anger him, but she seemed unaffected by her own actions. ''And what would that friendly suggestion entail, Agent Benson?''

Any personal feelings had been pushed aside, and Olivia took a step in his direction as their eyes remained locked. ''Well, Counselor, it means that everyone involved will benefit when Anderson is in FBI custody. Dean Porter is on his way to explain that to your department.'' she responded firmly. ''Believe me or not, but you want nothing to do with this case.''

The name brought up unresolved feelings he had long forgotten. Porter had been the one to suggest that Olivia join the FBI, and he had reassigned her to San-Francisco, which had been the proverbial nail in the coffin. ''Dean Porter, huh? I just read that he is the Executive Assistant Director of the National Security Branch. It makes sense for him to come here, but you, that I do not get.'' he said, knowing he was crossing certain lines. ''I thought you were with the Crimes Against Children's Unit. So is Porter letting you do his dirty work?''

''Barba, I know we have a personal history and that could complicate everything, but when it comes to this case nothing will get in the way.'' she promised him. ''What happened between us hurt. And it took time for me to get past it, to even be able to move on. But right now I need to focus on my job. I can't get wrapped up in our personal relationship.'' she continued on. ''And what am I even saying? We don't even have a personal relationship anymore. Not since you…'' she pointed out, but she stopped herself from finishing her last sentence.

''…walked out?'' he interjected.

She watched his gaze soften, a pain flashing through his eyes. She watched him struggle with his own words and she almost forgot how to breathe. ''I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring it up.''

For Barba it had been years since he had felt that way. He'd never loved anyone like he loved her, and as he stood before her, his throat tightening, he knew that hadn't changed and never would. She had raised his hopes of what a relationship could be. And losing her, even though his own fault, was something he'd never forgive himself for.

Everything came rushing back the moment he had laid eyes on her again. The overwhelming feeling of his heart skipping a beat with just a sidelong glance from her. Ever since their first meeting his life had changed forever. And still he experienced those same emotions. A sense of overpowering desire just for her.

''Don't apologize, Liv. You should never have to apologize to me.'' he told her reassuringly. ''I made the mistake.''

Moments ago she had reminded him of the need to remain professional, yet she found herself unable to. ''For years I believed that if we'd just survived my post in San-Francisco that we could've made it work. I was only there for one year before I transferred to DC.'' she explained and just like that the tone of their conversation sprang into personal territory.

''What?'' he rasped.

She let out a deep breath while her eyes began to water at the sight of his expression. ''I've been in DC for the past eight years.'' she revealed and seeing that his immediate reaction was one of pure shock.

''Eight years? You have been four hours away for eight years?'' he repeated.

She was on the verge of tears when he stepped closer towards her. Her heart pounded in her chest, and the combination of emotions caused her knees to buckle. It took all of her inner strength to keep the tears from falling, to remain levelheaded. ''This is too much. I think you should go.'' she whispered, but he stood still before her, unmoving.

Their gazed melted together, seconds passing by as neither of them dared to move, afraid to break their reverie. Silence seemed to be the most viable option at that moment, neither of them knowing how to address their past.

He finally snapped out of it, knowing she deserved her space. ''I'll go.'' he decided, ready to turn around and walk out of the room, yet something stopped him. ''No matter what happens, know that I'm here for you. Always.''

Her eyes followed him as he gradually vanished from her sight. She took a deep breath to let the tension escape her body as she closed the door. She turned around and leaned back against the closed door, needing the support it provided.

She had no idea what had just happened, or even what it all meant. In a sliver of a moment, she felt so incredibly lost. Unaware of who she was, and what she wanted. If she were honest, she'd felt lost for years to count.

Something had been missing from her life. It wasn't love. It was him. Rafael Barba. No man had ever come close in comparison. Perhaps it was her own inability to quit comparing other men to him, but still he'd always been different, ever since their first meeting.

_Ten years ago…_

_It was early in the morning when Olivia found herself wandering the corridors of the Brooklyn courthouse on insistence of Alex. For some unfamiliar reason she had insisted that Olivia would rush to the courthouse, so she had. She thought it had to be related to the case they were currently involved with. But when she attempted to call Alex, there was no response. Next she made her way toward the courtrooms, hoping to find Alex there._

_When Olivia walked down the hallway, she noticed Alex hovering in a doorway, peeking into one of the courtrooms. She carefully walked up from behind her, and patted her shoulders._

_Alex whirled around, almost dropping the papers in her arms, and looked at Olivia with a guilty expression. ''Hey, you're here.'' she greeted excitedly._

_Olivia noticed she was trying to cover up her obvious guilt of something. ''What did you do?'' she asked._

'' _Hmm, I may have talked to someone into meeting you.'' Alex beamed in response._

'' _Alex…no…'' she shot back._

_Alex took Olivia's arm and dragged her into the courtroom with her. They sat down in the last row on the right side, closest to the jury box._

_The courtroom was silent, everyone awaiting the verdict to be read by the forewoman, and Olivia had no clue what her best friend was attempting to do. The cloak and dagger routine wasn't helping her case at all._

_Alex turned to Olivia. ''Maybe this will persuade you.'' she whispered while pointing into the direction of the prosecutor's table._

_Her gaze shifted from the jury box to the two men Alex pointed toward. All she could see were their backs as they sat side by side as the prosecutor's table. But one man in particular caught her attention as he rose to stand. And when he turned around she was floored, completely taken aback by his presence. He moved elegantly through the courtroom, his slightly muscular build demanding her attention. The smile on his face indicated victory, and something else. Perhaps a mix of arrogance and pride. He seemed nothing like her usual type, but she had to admit she was very intrigued. There was an air of mystery to him._

'' _Who's that?'' she wondered aloud._

_Alex smiled widely at the look on Olivia's face. ''You seem interested, Liv, and you've only seen his back.''_

_In confusion, Olivia leaned in closer to Alex. ''Wait, which guy are we talking about?''_

_She watched as Alex pointed once again, but in her disappointment at the man who had remained seated. ''He's still sitting.'' she pointed out. ''Believe me the other Prosecutor isn't your type. He joined the DA's office just a few months ago and he's overconfident, unlike you.''_

'' _I still don't like the idea of you setting me up with someone.'' Olivia huffed, waiting for the other man to stand as the crowd began to walk out of the courtroom after the conclusion of the trial._

'' _He wants to meet you right now!'' Alex beamed, ignoring her best friend's wishes._

_Her face turned red at the idea. ''What? Right now?'' Olivia said as the courtroom grew louder and she saw the man in question turning into their direction. He rose to stand, and realized he was much taller than the other ADA, yet she felt little attraction to him. ''Just give me a moment. I'll come to meet him outside.''_

_Alex quickly nodded in agreement and moved out of the row, leaving Olivia all to herself as she continued to gaze at the other ADA in awe. When she realized how desperate her behavior was, she began to rise to her feet, her phone accidentally falling onto the floor. She leaned down, and was ready to walk when she suddenly bumped against something. Or rather someone, as she looked up at the face of the man she'd been admiring earlier._

_Barba moved across the courtroom, ready to make his way towards the exit when he bumped into an unsuspecting woman. She was brunette, olive-skinned. Beautiful and fierce. Those were the easiest words to describe her. But as he stopped in his track and their eyes met, he felt those words failed to describe even the tiniest bit of the person he was faced with._

_Her eyes, dark brown with flecks of gold, were alluring and represented an inner fire he knew she surely possessed. Her features were delicate and framed by chocolate brown hair which reached just over her shoulders. To him she absolutely beautiful, and he felt he'd never seen anyone as stunning as her._

_As he moved just a little closer, his breathing fastened. He guessed she stood 5'8 tall, just two inches shorter than him. Her figure was slender with beautiful curves._

_Olivia had been staring at him with the same intensity, until she finally gathered herself after the accidental run-in. ''I'm so sorry. My phone fell, and I didn't mean to bother you.'' she apologized._

'' _You're no bother.'' he reassured immediately. ''I'm Rafael Barba.''_

'' _Olivia Benson.'' she introduced_

_Barba extended his hand to hers, feelings sparks fly the moment she shook his. Her hand was soft and gentle, yet strong at the same time. ''It's a pleasure to meet you.''_

'' _The pleasure is all mine.'' Olivia said, smiling back at him. He had a light scruff going on and showed a genuine expression as he smiled back at her._

She didn't often allow herself to think back to when their relationship had barely begun. Those time had seemed so much simpler, so much better. And she knew he'd been the biggest contributor to her happiness all those years ago.

Whereas now, she struggled to understand her own feelings just as much as him. His intentions remained unknown to her, but she suspected they'd never be mean-hearted. He'd broken her heart when he walked away from her, and it had taken time to understand his actions. Sometimes she still struggled to understand. But in those moments she let herself belief he tried to do best for both them, and not letting her sacrifice her shot at a career with the FBI. She could only speculate, but Barba wasn't a person to break her heart intentionally, she truly believed that.

* * *

After the encounter at the hotel, Olivia stepped outside and roamed the city for a while to clear her head, and get her bearings. Her mind remained filled with questions, but all those had to be pushed aside. She knew her own personal life could be addressed later. Her focus on the case was the most important.

Following a call from Porter, Olivia had taken a cab to meet him at the precinct where Anderson was being held for interrogation. She had no information on what Porter had planned or maybe worked out with DA, but she expected him to try and work out something with the Captain of SVU instead of the DA's office.

She hoped they'd eventually cooperate. SVU had been her second home all those years ago, and the people had become her family. She remembered them fondly, and she didn't want to ruin those friendships.

When the cab pulled up in front of the station, she handed him the cash for the fair, and quickly jumped out. She noticed Porter standing in front of the building so she rushed towards him, stopping in front of him.

''What are you planning to do?'' she asked him curiously, knowing he was someone to blur ethical lines when he deemed fit. Working with him had been both a blessing and a curse. The five years she spent working for him had become some of the best and worst times during her career at the FBI.

He turned to her, a serious expression on his face. ''I spent the better part of my flight here on the phone, but it wasn't for nothing.'' he began. ''The Deputy Director contacted the US Attorney and informed him about the details of the case, and was able to persuade him to put pressure on his colleagues here in New York.'' he continued on. ''Now it is up to the higher-ups to fight our battle for us.''

''That's great and all, but why are we here?'' she asked. ''If it's no longer up to us we should head back to DC. I don't want to create conflict with these people, Dean.'' she expressed. ''I'm not willing to hurt these people because I'm motivated to solve this case.''

Porter noticed the slight shift in her voice, indicating her hesitation. ''Is this about your past with the new EADA?'' he asked, and watched as she stared back at him in horror. ''I know Rafael Barba is the EADA in Manhattan, Olivia.''

She felt her anger boil, but kept her breathing steady to remain calm and collected. ''I thought you knew me well enough to not question my loyalty.'' she stated calmly. ''Besides, that's my personal life and it hasn't concerned you for three years, so please leave it be.''

''Just checking.'' he said as he walked away to make his entrance into the building.

Olivia waited for a moment before following him inside. And as she moved through the building, she began to process how much it had changed. Changes were to be expected, but it filled her with an ache for the past.

As they stepped into the elevator, a certain memory came rushing back. It had been a normal day at lunchtime when Barba came to visit her, and dragged her away from her desk into the elevator. Once in the elevator a passionate make-out session had followed. And her apprehension had faded when she felt herself drown in his passion. A simple touch used to consume her, the mere thought of him used to weaken her knees.

The past was so different from her present, and as she stood beside Porter, riding the elevator, she caught herself wishing her past was her present. Life would be much simpler. Her career wouldn't have devastated her, and her relationship with Barba would be uncomplicated.

But it was no longer her life to claim. She realized that as the elevator doors opened, and she snapped from her haze. She had changed. Life had happened, and there was nothing she could to do change that.


	4. Unspoken truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the kudos!
> 
> It seems that my written chapters turn out very differently than I plan them. The emotion and heartbreak at the moment is really at the forefront, and it may be until some issues are resolved. I do promise this will not be forever.

''Rafi, what are you thinking about?''

His eyes shot up to those of his mother, breaking him from his train of thought. Somehow he'd lost attention during their conversation, his mind wrapped up completely in Olivia.

He'd been unable to express what he so desperately wished to say. But in the moment, he was stunned by her presence, and powerless to have the type of conversation he needed to have with her. In a way he'd also been surprised by her. She had expressed no anger, only motivation regarding the case. No anger had been traceable, and he knew she'd either moved on or managed to remain calm. And now he found himself aching for more answers.

''Olivia.'' he blurted out without hesitance.

Lucia's expression turned puzzled at the name. It was one she hadn't heard in almost a decade. As she stared into her son's eyes, she noticed something she hadn't seen often. It was real pain. The kind he carried after Yelina broke his heart, or the hurt caused by his own father. ''Mi hijo, you haven't mentioned her in years.''

Barba nodded, feeling he had let the frustration and emotion escape his body. It had all been piling up, and was becoming too much to bear. ''She's back in town. I saw her today for the first time in nine years.''

Lucia sat back, watching him struggle with his words. ''I liked her. Despite her driving you crazy sometimes, it seemed like it could last. And when you stopped mentioning her, I suspected it had ended.'' she said softly. ''What happened?''

He took a deep breath, afraid the response his mother would give. She didn't just like Olivia. After they first met, his mother had gushed about her and loved her to bits, just like he had. ''After she graduated from the FBI Academy, she was going to San-Francisco for her first job.'' he began to explain cautiously. ''I left her at the hotel with a note to say goodbye.''

''Oh Rafael, you did not do that!'' Lucia grimaced in a raised voice. ''Why would you do such a thing?''

For a moment his eyes strayed across his office, thinking of a solid answer. Yet there was none. He knew nothing could ever justify his actions. ''I don't really know, to be honest.'' he said, his voice filling with raw emotion. ''I think I was scared of what long distance would mean for our relationship. I was afraid of her giving up her job for me so we could be together.'' he guessed. ''I was a coward.''

He searched her eyes for a reaction, but came up empty. ''Seeing her today brought everything back. The memories of how happy we were, how much I loved her.'' he went on. ''I've never been able to forget her.''

''Well, how can you?'' Lucia asked bluntly. ''Rafi, when I saw you two together I was astounded by how happy she made you. Even just speaking to you alone back then, I noticed a difference in you.'' she remembered fondly. ''I thought you'd marry her someday.''

He sighed, not knowing what to do with himself. ''I don't know what to do.'' he confessed. ''We're at opposite sides of an important case, but I find myself at odds. I want to see her, and talk to her, but I don't really have the right anymore.'' he went on.

''Do you still love her?''

The question hit him like a bombshell. His answer to that particular question could change everything. But he knew. Of course he knew. The answer to that question had never changed. ''I do. I never stopped loving her.'' he replied. ''I tried to dull her absence with work and other relationships, but none of them were her. No one is Olivia.'' he whispered painfully.

Lucia had to fight back her disappointment for what he'd done all those years ago. He'd screwed up majorly, all on his own. But the guilt was written all over his face. ''You made a mess, Rafi.'' she told him, not holding back in honesty. ''How are you going to make it right?''

''I don't think I can, mami.'' he answered. ''I have to respect her space, and if she wants to speak to me she can. But I don't want to interfere in her life. Not anymore than I have to.'' he said, knowing he wanted nothing more than to see her and explain. ''She doesn't deserve this. She's kind and warm, and I think she's happy.''

''I think you have two options, Rafael. One, is to let her live her life, and go on without her.'' Lucia began, her voice stern and disapproving. ''Or you fight for her like you should've done nine years ago.''

A silence fell between them, as Barba turned his eyes away and rose from his chair. He stopped at the window, looking out at the people rushing down the street. With his hands buried in his pockets, he turned around at the sound of his mother's voice.

''If you continue pushing people away you'll end up alone.'' Lucia said, and even though it pained her to say the words, it was the truth. Her son was good at pushing away the ones he loved in order to protect himself from hurting. Yet it had hurt him even worse when it concerned Olivia. ''And I don't want to see you alone. You deserve to be loved, but you'll need to fight for it.''

He was about to respond when the door to his office opened without a knock. He was about to ask for a moment, when he realized it was his boss. ''Sir, what can I do for you?''

The District Attorney hovered in the doorway, his eyes wandering from Barba to Lucia for a moment, until he refocused his attention. ''You're needed at SVU.'' he announced. ''The FBI will have a meeting with Captain Cragen and I want you there to protect our interests.''

Barba nodded curtly. ''Of course, sir. I'll be out the door in five minutes.''

In the meantime, Lucia's eyes had strayed across her son's desk until she noticed a note with Olivia's name scribbled on it. Beneath it she read the name of hotel and a room number. She looked back up at her son again after his boss had left, smiling at him.

''I should go.'' she said as she rose from the chair, and turned to Barba. ''Think about what I said, Rafael.''

He approached her, seeing nothing but love in her eyes. ''I will.'' he reassured. ''I'll talk to you soon.''

* * *

The squad room was filled with unrecognizable faces, which was to be expected. With nine years came many changes, and for SVU of course it was no different. She let her eyes wander the room in curiosity, taking in all the details.

But within seconds, she found herself smiling back at Captain Cragen who stood in his office doorway. She began to approach him as Porter followed right behind her, hoping that everything would remain civil. There were no ill intention from either side and she didn't want to poison the waters. Her time at SVU had formed her into the detective who eventually was recruited into the FBI. It was where she learned to be a better detective, under Cragen's command.

She came to a halt in front of him, stretching her hand to his. ''Captain, it's been too long.'' she remarked happily. ''It's good to see you again.''

Cragen took her hand warmly, shaking it and then letting go. ''Detective Benson, or should I say Agent Benson?'' he asked kindly. ''You look exactly the same. How has life at the FBI been treating you?''

Olivia couldn't help but smile at the kind and warm welcoming. ''It has been quite the adventure.'' she responded honestly. ''Captain, this Executive Assistant Director Porter.''

''Yes, of course. Captain Cragen. Nice to see you again.'' Cragen introduced quickly. ''Barba warned me that the feds were in town with an interest in Lloyd Anderson.''

Olivia exchanged a quick look with Porter before turning her attention back to the conversation. ''I spoke with the ADA assigned to the case this morning, and there was no cooperation. We were hoping it'd be different if we came to you.''

Cragen only focused on Olivia's presence. ''Liv, I should warn you that Barba is on his way to offer him a deal in exchange for a confession.'' he informed her. ''I would like to help you but the DA's office and Chief Dodds have us under strict orders to not let the FBI interfere.''

''Could we watch the interrogation?'' she asked.

Cragen nodded, pointing towards the interrogation rooms. ''Detectives Carisi and Rollins are questioning him as we speak. It's the first room on your left.''

''Thank you, Captain.''

With Porter by her side she walked into the direction of the interrogation room. Inside, she watched two detectives speaking to the man whose face had become so familiar to her. She'd never forget his face, or the pain it represented.

Porter stood a few steps behind her, watching as Olivia clenched her hands together. He noted the slight cringe going through her body, the tension she carried, and how she fought to remain calm. He'd seen her struggle in the past, and he recognized the signs immediately.

He stepped next to her, facing her completely as his hands came to rest on her shoulders gently. He slowly spun her around to face him, his gaze softening as their eyes met. ''Olivia, you don't have to do this.''

Through hazy eyes she stared back at him, not for a moment questioning his intentions. It was clear he supported her as a friend, and nothing else. Like he'd done for the bigger part of her career at the FBI. ''I know I don't have to, but I want to.'' she told him. ''I'm just holding out hope that the US Attorney will have come to an agreement with DA before Anderson can sign that deal.''

''We can only wait and hope for the best.'' he decided. ''But remember the promise I made you four years ago!'' he insisted as he stared back at her. ''I'll do anything within my power to solve this case.''

Olivia nodded, finally unclenching her hands. ''I know.''

Barba was making his way into the squad room, rushing himself to discover what the FBI had been up to. He headed for the Captain's office when two shadowy figures on his right grabbed his attention. He froze in his steps, turning to get a full view of two people, and he realized it was Olivia with Dean Porter.

His hands were on her shoulders, little distance between them, and the sight flooded him with unwanted emotions. Jealousy mostly, something he wasn't proud of. But as he looked closer, he noticed the look of distress on Olivia's face, and he felt his heart sink. It was identical to the uncertainty he'd seen her eyes just hours before.

A few seconds lapsed as he continued taking in the sight when he suddenly caught Olivia's eyes glancing back at him. He smiled for just a moment, seeing a hint of a smile forming on her lips at the same time. It was the trace of a spark in her eyes that forced his mother's words to echo through his mind. He could either fight or let go again.

The reverie was broken by the sound of his cell ringing in his pocket, bringing him back to reality once again. He waited for a moment, still looking at her, until he finally put the phone to his ear and turned away to find a moment of privacy. Not only did he need privacy, but he needed to not be distracted by her presence.

He listened carefully to the frustrated and angry voice of his boss, blurting out a few insults at the FBI and hanging up without a polite goodbye. He put the phone back in his pocket, still awe struck at what he'd just heard from his boss.

Without hesitation, he walked back into the direction of the interrogation rooms to find Olivia and Porter still standing there. He took a moment, breathing in deeply before he continued his approach toward the two Agents.

''Agent Benson, Agent Porter.'' he acknowledged. ''It appears I have some good news for you.'' he began, hating that he had to admit defeat in the case. ''Lloyd Anderson will be released into FBI custody within the next five hours.''

Olivia stood still, the surprise hitting her immediately. ''What changed?'' she asked for clarification.

''I don't know.'' Barba replied quickly. ''The order came directly from above. It wasn't up to me to question it.''

It took everything for Olivia to remain stoic when the news meant so much. Having Anderson in custody meant a new lead in their case, one which could lead them directly to the person they truly wanted to face criminal charges for his actions. ''Thank you, Counselor.'' she whispered gratefully.

''I'll take care of the paperwork, Liv.'' Dean interrupted. ''You should head back to DC. Your team probably needs to you more than I'm needed at the moment. The plane can be ready for take-off at the airstrip in two hours.''

She nodded at him, her eyes wandering to Barba, and she recognized the disappointment in his eyes as they reflected her own. ''Dean, can you give me a moment.'' she asked softly, watching as he stepped away to allow her a moment of privacy with Barba.

She sighed, her hands falling to her sides. Once again she was questioning everything, even what to say. ''I wish we'd met again under different circumstances.'' she sniffled.

Barba was at a complete loss, knowing she was attempting to say goodbye again. ''I don't want you to go, Liv.'' he declared without hesitation. ''We need more time. I need more time.''

She suddenly felt his hand grasp hers, the touch sending a shiver through her body. It was unexpected, and she found herself facing difficulties of walking from him. ''I can't give you more time. I'm sorry, Rafael.'' she whispered, her breathing unsteady as their hands remained connected. ''Maybe we'll see each other again someday, but right now I just can't do this. It's too much.''

The tears filled his eyes at her pain, his heart breaking for her. For everything he destroyed in the past, knowing it was all on him and no one else. He was the sole person to blame for their circumstances. ''I understand, Olivia. I'll miss you.'' he croaked out, closing the distance between them by stepping toward her.

He was acting on pure emotion as he pulled her close, wrapping his arms around her waist to keep her in his embrace, even if it would only last a few seconds. To his surprise, he felt her body relax against him as her arms surrounded his neck, and her breathing slowed down.

She stayed in his embrace for a moment too long, she realized. In a way it felt like coming home, to feel safe and loved again. The feeling he'd always given her. But now the undertones were very different as it was a last attempt of holding onto each other. To cling to a small moment to remember in future.

With one last breath, she pulled away from him, fighting the tears which were welling up in her eyes. No other words were exchanged as they gazed at one another while she began to step back. In that final moment, she tried to remember his face, almost as a snapshot to think back to in dark times.

Then she turned around, the tears rolling down her cheeks as her back was turned to him. She wiped the tears away desperately to not show her emotions as she passed Porter on her way out. She nodded at him quickly while she passed him, her small way of saying goodbye as she rushed to escape the precinct.

Porter watched Olivia rush out of the squad room, causing anger to rush to the surface. It was clear she was in pain over saying goodbye to him once again. If anything, she never deserved to be in pain. He knew Olivia well from working with her for many years and he'd come to know her as a good, passionate Agent. Someone who'd walk through fire for those she loved.

From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Barba shifting his position toward the exit, indicating he was about to go after Olivia. Immediately he stepped in front of his path when he came closer, stopping Barba from resuming his destination.

''Let her go.'' Porter said, his voice raised and clear, forcing Barba to an immediate halt.

Barba stopped in front of him, annoyance ever so present in his eyes. ''Sorry, what did you say?''

''I think you should let Olivia live her life.'' he repeated, not flinching. ''All you cause her is pain and confusion, and she doesn't deserve that.''

The hostility in the other man's voice meant nothing to Barba. Instead of paying more attention to him, he walked past him, with the purpose of leaving the squad room immediately.

''Olivia made the best choice of her life when she decided to take the job in San-Francisco after initially turning it down. She was finally able to live her own life, away from you.''

The words reached his ears before he was too far away, but he continued walking to get the air he so desperately needed in that moment.

Once he finally stepped outside, he scrolled through his contacts, stopping at Olivia's number. The one that had only been added to list hours before. His finger hovered above the name, and then the number.

He finally pressed it, putting the phone to his ear, praying that she'd pick up the phone. He needed to hear the words from her. He needed to say more before she'd be gone again, especially knowing what he knew now.

Olivia was approaching a cab when the buzzing of her phone caught her attention. Taking the phone into her hand, she felt her stomach turning into knots when the ID on her screen flashed before her eyes. With hesitance she picked it up and put it to her ear, staying absolutely quiet. She had nothing more to say, but deep down she wanted to hear what he had to say.

Barba stopped in his tracks when he heard nothing but soft breathing. ''Liv?'' he asked gently. ''Olivia?''

He sighed when he realized she was staying quiet on purpose, so he decided to speak anyway. ''I just need to know one thing, okay?'' he asked, his heart beating a mile a minute. ''Did you really turn down your reassignment in San-Francisco?''

She tried to hold onto reality as he spoke. It had been something she never intended to share since it caused her so much shame. She'd turned down her dream job for a man who had been gone the next morning, never to be heard from again.

''Liv, I didn't know, okay.''

''Barba, don't do this, please!'' she finally begged, her voice trembling as she took a deep breath. ''I'm going back to DC. It doesn't matter anymore. It's been nine years.''

Had he been standing next to her, he could've done so much more. He wanted to explain, to make things right but words still seemed to fail him. There was nothing that could make up for his mistakes. ''I have to, Liv. I owe it to you. To us.''

''Rafael, there's no us.''

The pain in her voice broke his heart. It suggested she was hurting more than anything and had been for nine long years, even though she'd buried the feelings. ''If I had known at the time…''

Before he could finish his sentence, she forced him to stop by interrupting him. ''This isn't fair. You can't do this. Not over the phone, and especially not after nine years.'' she reminded him. ''Look it's simple, Barba…'' she began. ''….you and I, we loved each other but it wasn't enough, and in the end our careers meant more than our relationship. We had something really good but it ended. We're living different lives right now.''

''And I have to go. I'm really sorry, Rafael, but I can't do this. I can't handle it.''

With those last words, he heard the call end, and it tore him to pieces, the silence enveloping him as he stared at the empty screen of his phone, her name before his eyes.


	5. New beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you all so much for kudos! It means so much.
> 
> With this chapter things start to take a more personal turn for Olivia and Barba, which I promise will continue on in following chapters.

Olivia was left reeling from the phone call just minutes ago as she walked into the hotel, her mind elsewhere as she made her way into the elevator. With her back she leaned against the wall, her arms at her sides, Barba's words hitting the replay button in her head.

_I owe it to you. To us._

_If I had known at the time._

Had she been strong enough to talk to him about their past, she would've listened to him. But she wasn't. Anything reminding her of their relationship caused pain and sorrow. They had ended so abruptly, in a way she never saw coming. And with him had faded all the possibilities for them as a couple. Their future had been torn away and cast aside, as if their relationship had meant nothing.

There had never been a true moment where she'd considered seeing him again. There had been no time to process the loss of a relationship that had become her entire world. And even now, she felt as if she was living a dream.

As Olivia walked through the hotel corridor, she slowed her steps when she noticed someone in front of her room, snapping from her thoughts. It took several moments for her to realize it was Lucia Barba standing in front of her door.

Quickly, she pulled both hands from her pockets, taking out her phone to check her time. She was still in time for her flight, but with the unexpected visitor she'd been thrown for a loop. Having no idea what it meant or what possibly possessed her to be at her hotel, or even how she knew.

It seemed to be a day of surprises and complete disbelief. Her past had been brought back twofold, and now with Barba's mother turning up to face her, she found herself to be completely lost. Lost in her own emotions, especially her confusion.

She came to a stop in front of the older woman, trying with difficulty to keep her curiosity and questions in check. ''Mrs. Barba?'' she asked politely.

Lucia took a moment to look at Olivia, noticing she had aged incredibly well. Nine years hadn't erased the beauty, she knew her son had fallen for ten years ago. ''Please, it's Lucia to you.'' she corrected immediately, smiling back at Olivia. ''I'm sorry to come here like this. So unexpected. It didn't intend to.''

Olivia stepped to the side, pulling out her keycard and opening the door. ''Please, come inside.'' she said politely, following Lucia inside.

She switched on the lights, and then rushed to the bed to push aside her bag and clothes which laid there to be packed. ''Make yourself comfortable.'' she added nervously.

Both women remained silent as Lucia sat down in the chair in the corner while Olivia sat down on the edge of the bed. The silence added to the awkwardness of the situation, and caused Olivia to shift uncomfortably.

''It's nice to see you again, Olivia.'' Lucia said, breaking the unbearable silence. She had seen the signs of Olivia's nerves, which she understood. Her visit was likely to be perceived as quite a shock. ''How have you been all these years?''

Olivia nearly jumped at the question, needing to keep the conversation going. ''I've been good. Work has kept me incredibly busy, but I'm happy with where I am.'' she told her openly. ''Life has certainly changed compared to nine years ago, but it's been really good despite…'' she wandered off, stopping before she crossed into more personal subjects. ''I've been good.'' she repeated. ''How are you?''

''I'm good, too.'' Lucia replied, taking a breath before bringing up the reasons for her visit. ''Olivia, I'm going to be honest with you. I know this visit is a shock and I don't want to interfere in your life or my son's life. That's not my intention.''

A shaky breath passed Olivia's lips at the mention of Barba. ''You spoke to Rafael?''

Lucia nodded in response, watching as the desperation in her eyes was replaced by hurt and sadness. ''I did.'' she replied candidly. ''My son is private and incredibly stubborn. For years now, I've watched him only focused on his job. He's been struggling to keep relationships, and I think he hasn't been the same since you left.''

Olivia felt the emotion resonating from Lucia, causing a lump to form in her throat. She hated that a mother had to see her own son struggle. ''I don't know what he told you, but I didn't decide to leave the relationship.''

''I know.'' Lucia reassured. ''He told me what he did and it disappointed me. I'm so sorry for how he ended things with you. It's not right, and he knows that.'' she went on. ''After I met you, I realized you were the best thing to ever happen to him. He was different when he was with you, and I think that was because of you. You changed him, made him better than he already was.''

''He changed me too.'' Olivia whispered, her voice filled with raw emotion which was breaking her walls down piece by piece.

It was true. When they had been together, they changed one another. He had been the toughness to her vulnerability, and she the compassion to his harshness. They were two very different people, yet two opposite beings were able to hinge together, leading to a transcended relationship.

''After Yelina broke his heart to be with Alex, Rafael swore off women until you came into his life. You did truly change not only him, but also his belief that love existed.'' Lucia said, seeing the faintest spark in Olivia's eyes. ''I don't want to give some speech about how you changed my son. I'm not here to tell you what to do, Olivia. You have your own life, and I would never want to disrupt it, but I came here to tell you what my son won't tell you because he believes he'll only hurt you more.'' Lucia continued on. ''He knows he made biggest mistake in letting you go, and now he's finally being confronted with it because you're back in town. Seeing you is the wake-up call he needed.'' she went on. ''Rafael loves you, Olivia. He never stopped loving you.''

It almost felt like she forgot how to breathe as she listened to each words coming from Barba's mother. The more was said, the heavier the world seemed to weigh on her shoulders.

Olivia took another deep breath, thinking carefully of how to respond since her emotions were running high. ''I loved your son, Mrs. Barba. Lucia, sorry.'' she apologized. ''But his regret, and his feelings, that's something I need to hear from him.'' she explained clearly. ''Right now, I am unable to say where I stand because too much time has passed. Not to mention that my job requires me to remain objective.'' she went on. ''I can honestly say that I don't see Rafael and I having a second chance. Too much has happened, and the thought of talking to him and facing the past, it just pains me too much.''

Lucia realized that Olivia couldn't say the words, couldn't admit it. It was clear from the pain written across her face. ''He broke your heart.'' she whispered, seeing her flinch at the words.

The need to flee and escape became even greater, her eyes shifting to the clock on the nightstand. She immediately rose to her feet, knowing she only had little time left to catch her flight and get back to DC. And the need to escape New York had become unbearable. She either had to let out all of her emotions or finally get some much needed space.

''I'm sorry, but I have to gather my belongings because my plane is leaving soon.'' she announced. ''I'm glad that you decided to come by, Lucia. But for the moment I think that Rafael and I both need space to let everything sink in.''

''Of course. I just wanted you to know how my son still feels about you.'' Lucia said. ''Good luck with your case. I hope you to see you again.''

''Thank you.'' Olivia whispered, watching as Lucia made her way towards the door.

At the last moment she spun around to face Olivia, needing her to know one last thing. ''The kind of love you had with my son will never be forgotten because it was a once in a lifetime love. Maybe it deserves a second chance no matter how much pain is involved.''

Olivia remained standing still as Lucia left the room, trying to process the words. There had been a truth to all her words, yet she still struggled. Confused and consumed in questions, and the pain coming with those.

Moving forward would hurt no matter what choice she made. Facing mistakes made in the past would be a hurdle, but attempting to move forward in DC would be equally difficult. There was no right choice, no one way to deal with it properly.

She knew only one thing. That she had a job to do, and it was the one thing she could focus on. Doing her job meant being in DC, so instead of contemplating her choices much longer, she moved to the bed and began packing her bag to leave for the airfield.

* * *

An hour later, Olivia was seated on the back of the private plane, ready for take off and leave New York, and to not look back. She had made a conscious choice to leave and try and move forward with her life. Despite all the hurt, she had built a solid life away from New York. One with friends she considered family, the people she could always count on.

And as she stared out onto the runway, aware of the choice she made, a rush of pain went through her. At the exact same time, her attention was drawn to the sound of her phone. She turned it around, the notification of a text message from Porter filling her screen.

Immediately, she got onto her feet and rushed towards the cockpit, opening the door without invitation. ''We can't leave!'' she announced. ''I have to get back.''

The next moments seemed to blur her surroundings. From leaving the plane to getting behind the wheel of the SUV, it all seemed to be lost on her. Her only focus was on the road as she raced through New York traffic to get to the station.

The 911 message from Porter and the order to get back to the station suggested something bad had transpired. He had after all been the one to suggest she leave the city, only to keep her to stay now. So she dialed his number for the second time, to be met with the sound of silence again. On the third dial, the call was immediately answered.

''Dean, I'm ten minutes from the station.'' Olivia told him immediately. ''What happened?''

She heard a deep sigh, followed by silence. ''Lloyd Anderson was killed, Olivia. It seems that a hit was taken out on his life. Three NPYD officers and two FBI Agents were killed as well.'' he explained. ''I've been on the phone with the Deputy Director to explain how this happened, but I don't even know that myself yet. I need someone here I can trust.''

''I'm almost there. I'll see you in a few minutes.''

When she finally reached the station, her feet carried her quicker than ever before, the anger ever so present on her face as she stormed into the squad room. The room was in a frenzy, officers and detectives crowding the now seemingly small space. But her eyes immediately went into the direction of Cragen's office where she saw Porter in conversation with Barba and Cragen, two other detectives there as well but looking silent.

She approached the office and hurried inside, closing the door behind her. For a small moment, she made eye contact with Barba, but quickly turned to face everyone.

''How did this happen?'' she asked, her voice near anger. ''How can six people be killed during a transfer of a suspect?''

Porter was about to respond when Cragen beat him to it. ''The scene has been taped off, and techs are pulling surveillance images.''

''It may have been a sniper.'' Porter interjected.

''May have been?'' she repeated angrily. ''We've been waiting for a lead for nearly four years and now Anderson along with five other people are dead!'' she reminded him. ''NYPD was supposed to keep this transfer under wraps. What happened to that?''

All eyes were on her, but the only ones she stared back at were Porter's. The expression on his was one of understanding, knowing that the case meant to her. ''Agent Benson, walk away now!'' Porter ordered.

Barba observed the interaction between Olivia and Porter closely, noticing there seemed to be an underlying meaning in his order. And as he watched Olivia walk out of the room, he turned to Porter questioningly. ''What was that?''

''It's personal for her.'' Porter stated, not giving any further information as to the details of how personal it truly was.

Those words were all it took for Barba to move into the direction of the exit, but Porter stepped in front of him once again. It seemed the agent was set on keeping him from Olivia for whatever reason. ''Get out of my way.''

Porter continued to stand in front of him. ''You shouldn't. Give her some space.''

''I'll decide that on my own.'' Barba shot back as he walked around him, ignoring the request.

He left the room, his eyes wandering around the squad room to find a trace of Olivia. As he continued walking straight ahead, he suddenly caught a glimpse of her disappearing into one of the file rooms at the end of the hallway.

He moved into the direction, coming to a halt in front of the door, hesitation coursing through him. She had been clear that she couldn't handle being near him, that it hurt her too much. But he found himself wanting to understand her circumstances. He was concerned and felt a desperate need to make sure she was alright.

He finally opened the door, stepping inside and closing it shut behind him. As he took in Olivia, standing in the middle of the room, he leaned back against the door.

He gazed at her, catching her eyes, and feeling his heart skipping a beat. ''Olivia.'' he whispered softly, her eyes shifting away from him. ''Liv, look at me, please. Talk to me.''

The silence remained as Olivia finally dared to look back at him with tears stinging in her eyes. She stood before him, stripped of her armor, her vulnerability showing through her eyes. She could no longer deny him, and the feelings she had always carried with her. But no words could explain what she felt, how desperately she wanted to run and never look back.

''I know you.'' he breathed. ''I know something about this case has you struggling. I'm here, so please talk to me.''

One hand came to rest below her chest, the other remaining at her side. ''There's not much to say.'' she said, her voice trembling as she struggled to remain still in front of him. ''When I worked for Dean, we lost two agents to uncover leads to arrest Anderson's boss.'' she began to explain. ''At the time Anderson was a fixer and enforcer for his illegal dealings, which included trafficking in anything ranging from weapons, and drugs to human trafficking.''

Barba moved away from the door, closing the distance between them. ''It makes sense why you wanted him in custody so badly. But how is this case so personal? Did something happen to you?'' he asked, taking note of the hand resting beneath her torso.

She nodded, moving her hands and clenching them together tightly in front of her, until she released them. ''Our agents spent months establishing their covers as weapons distributors to gain contact, but the day they were supposed to meet the operation went wrong.'' she said, recounting the details of a few years earlier. ''I was there when it happened.'' she mumbled, struggling to continue on with the story. ''Somehow they knew we were FBI, and we were moved to a different location to be tortured for information.''

He watched her struggle before him, and he took a step forward. He reached out to her, his hand lightly grazing her cheek. The gesture was short-lived, yet the touch set his skin on fire, reminding him of the passion and electricity they once shared.

''I'm the only one who survived.'' she whispered, the tears finally rolling down her cheeks as she felt his hand come up to cup her cheek once more.

This time, she leaned in against the touch, her hands coming up to grasp his to keep his hand in place. It was a moment of comfort to know he listened to her, that he was there with her.

He heard her take a deep breath to steady her breathing. He found himself unable to express anything in that moment. He didn't want to question her on the horrors he knew she must've faced. ''I'm so sorry, Liv.'' he said gently. ''I wished I'd been there for you.''

She shook her head at his last words, releasing his hand. ''Believe me, that was a time you didn't want to witness.'' she responded. ''I spent weeks in the hospital, and returning to work became unbearable so I transferred to Crimes Against Children's Unit to get away from the daily reminders. People would just stare at me or pity me, and I couldn't take it.'' she said.

''I would've wanted to be there no matter what.'' he stated firmly. ''You're strong. You're here, standing before me despite all you've been through. That alone is a sign of your strength, Liv. Never let anyone tell you different.''

''Thank you for listening, and for understanding.''

''Always.'' he said, noticing the shift in her demeanor. She had become slightly more relaxed in his presence. He made more steps to close the distance between them, but with the distance evaporating, Olivia took a step back.

''We both know this isn't a good idea.'' she warned. ''Us in a small room never led to anything but mistakes.''

''Really?'' he asked as he took another step forward. ''I seem to remember you quite enjoyed those times together.''

A blush spread across her cheeks, sending a jolt of memories through her. It was clear their conversation had taken a different turn, one she hoped to avoid, but his presence made it impossible.

''I know you don't want to talk about it, or even want to hear it, but I made a mistake, Olivia. I made the worst mistake of my life when I walked away from us.'' he went on. ''I know this is not the time or place, but if you agree I want to talk to you about everything.''

''Rafael…'' she whispered.

''Just think about it.'' he suggested.


	6. Right place, right time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am finally back with a new chapter, which was about time. I am really trying my best to get back into the pace of writing and catching up with everything.
> 
> Thank you all so much for the kudos and comments!

_Just think about it._

She had thought about it. She had processed every scenario in which she'd express her emotions to him, but somehow she always came up short. For obvious reasons, she felt the need to remain at a distance from him.

Despite everything, she was afraid she'd never fallen out of love with him, and that was a dangerous thing to consider. Years had gone by, their lives moving into different directions. But her love for him had lingered underneath the heartbreak that followed their separation.

Perhaps a conversation would provide the closure she so desperately needed. On the one hand it could have a positive outcome, but the negative outcome could be disastrous. Whether or not she'd be able to put aside her anger and frustrations, it could still lead to conflict.

And conflict was the one thing she had to avoid. A case with a personal history for her was on the horizon and demanded her focus. And she knew, she couldn't span her attention on two different aspects of her life.

She had tried in the past and failed miserably. Maybe her short but passionate fling with Porter was the proof she needed to walk away now. But there was a voice inside of her, which wouldn't allow her to sacrifice a second chance at love with the one man who'd truly made her feel loved. Although she was unable to decide if there was a chance for them, she didn't want to rule one out.

Her life had been consumed by her career, and even though she loved her job, she knew there was something missing from her life. What exactly could fill that missing piece, she couldn't say. Her life was complicated enough without the addition of an old love resurfacing.

She had been considering his words ever since she had left the station. Instead of returning to her hotel room she opted to roam the city as the evening began to settle. She was plagued by her own emotions, not knowing where to turn with them. The only person who was aware of her complete history with Barba, was Alex.

But unfortunately she was an ocean away, fighting her own battle in pursuing international prosecutions. They still spoke on the phone, sometimes for hours on end. It was a friendship for a lifetime, but in that moment she'd give anything to sit down with Alex and a glass of wine. If only to talk, and have room to vent.

Knowing there was little time left before real life would continue on, she found herself wandering into the direction of One Hogan Place. And before she could question herself, she was walking into the courthouse, retaking her earlier steps when she'd had the meeting.

As she walked through the empty corridors of the courthouse, she was being dragged to a time where Barba had been her escape from the world. Late night visits to his office had turned into the relationship they eventually had. And it had all started by accident.

_As she hovered in the doorway of the empty office, her eyes glanced at her watch. She took a deep steadying breath, wanting to give it more time. But it had been an hour and she was still waiting for her date to arrive. Of course she realized he'd mostly likely be in court, but a text would've been appreciated._

_She turned around when she heard footsteps going into the direction of the opposite office. Expecting one face, she was suddenly faced with another. One she hadn't been able to forget, and had plagued her nights ever since she met him._

'' _Mr. Barba.'' she called out, cursing herself for the formality in her greeting._

_Barba turned at the sound of his name, and as he looked at Olivia he couldn't hold back the smile spreading across his face. ''Olivia.'' he said happily as he walked into her direction with his briefcase in one hand, and files in the other. ''Please call me Rafael. There's no need for formalities.''_

_She nodded as the nerves began to creep up on her. Under other circumstances she had no problem remaining calm, but this man seemed to have a very different effect on her. ''Do you need help with those?'' she asked as she pointed at the stack of files in his hand._

'' _No, thank you. I just need to put them on my desk.'' he replied, looking behind him for a moment before turning his attention back to her. He finally allowed himself a moment to really look at her, and he immediately took note of her dress as a wave of jealously swept through him. He'd seen her in conversation with his colleague after their first meeting, so he could only suspect they were dating. And that thought frustrated him more than he expected._

'' _I don't know if you're waiting for Rick, but he had to go into court. The defense came in with a motion to dismiss the charges, so it couldn't wait.'' he told her quickly._

'' _I thought he'd still be in court.'' she mumbled. ''I'll be going home then.''_

_Not wanting her to leave, Barba jumped at the opportunity of spending time with her. ''You can wait in my office.'' he offered kindly. He looked up into her eyes and saw a spark he hadn't seen before, and it caused his heart to beat much faster._

'' _I don't want to bother you.'' she hesitated._

_Barba walked through his office door, putting down his briefcase and the files. He faced her again to see her standing in his doorway, the light surrounding her perfectly. ''You will never bother me.'' he reassured her, his tone lighter than before._

'' _Thanks.'' she said softly as he pointed into the direction of the couch. She sat down on the end of the couch and observed him closely as he moved about his office to put away the files and empty his briefcase._

_It forced a blush on her face as she stared at him. Not only was he an incredibly attractive man, but to watch him take off his suit jacket, and to see the suspenders, was another thing in and of itself. She knew he was different, but to her in a good way. His suits were impeccable, and he had an impressive presence due to the way he carried himself._

'' _Do you want a drink?'' he suddenly asked, holding up a bottle of scotch._

_She snapped from her reverie, and looked into his eyes, nodding. ''Yes, sounds good.''_

_Barba grabbed two glasses and poured the scotch as he watched her shift on his couch. He took the two glasses and walked into her direction, sitting down next to her with a reasonable amount of distance between them. ''Here you go.'' he said, handing her the glass._

_She took the glass and took a small sip as she settled on the couch more comfortably. For a moment, she remained silent, not knowing exactly what to say to him. ''Are you always at the office around dinner time?''_

_Barba moved forward and set his glass down, turning slightly to face her with ease. ''Yeah, usually.'' he said. ''You must know how it is. The endless cases, never being able to truly leave your work at the office. Or at least I can't.'' he answered. ''I've only been here a few months, so maybe that's the reason. Perhaps I'm overcompensating.''_

'' _No, you're probably not. This line of work can eat away at you if you let it.'' she agreed. ''The trick is to find a balance between the professional and the personal.''_

'' _And you have found that balance?''_

_Olivia shrugged her shoulders at the question. ''I guess not.'' she smiled. ''But I'm trying to find it.''_

'' _With Rick?'' he asked boldly, realizing all too soon what he had said to her. ''I'm sorry. It's not my business.''_

_She grinned at his directness, and felt unexpectedly happy at his question as it seemed to express a bit of jealousy. ''My friend suggested I should start dating again so she introduced me to Rick. It was the same day I met you.''_

'' _Can I be blatantly honest with you?'' Barba inquired._

_Her nod was a definite sign of approval, and he took it to heart immediately. ''I like you, Olivia.'' he began. ''I think you're kind, and extremely beautiful. And I would like to get to know you better.''_

_He rose to his feet and moved to his desk effortlessly as she remained on the couch. He looked behind him for a moment, catching her eye. He quickly retrieved a piece of paper and scribbled his number down before returning to the couch._

_He stepped in front of her, extending his hand as he waited for her to take the note. ''Give me a call if you ever need to talk, or want to have dinner.''_

_She stared down at the number in disbelief, still a little shocked by his confession. But it brought a huge smile to her face as she accepted the note. ''Thank you.'' she said in a whisper. ''I might take you up on it.''_

She was brought back to reality when she stood in the adjoining room to Barba's office, her eyes landing upon him as he sat behind his desk. He had several files open as he made notes, and she suspected he was preparing for court. She lingered for a moment longer until she finally moved to his door, knocking on it to announce her presence.

Barba's eyes shot up to the door, and when he realized Olivia was standing there, a wave of emotion flooded him in shock. He hadn't expected to see her again that soon. Yet her presence had him on his feet within mere seconds. He walked to the door, opening it for her and stepping aside to let her in.

''I didn't expect to see you again so soon.'' he told her, closing the door and stepping back to his desk.

Olivia moved opposite of him, standing impossibly still with her hands clenched together. The tension in her body was obvious and she did nothing to hide it from him. ''It has been a crazy day.'' she breathed out. ''I didn't want to go back to that empty hotel room.''

He listened to her and watched her struggle to express herself. ''It's normal that you don't want to be alone after the day we've had.'' he said softly.

She nodded as her lips curved into a tense smile. ''I've been thinking about what you said.'' she began as she remained standing opposite of him. ''And I don't know if I can have that conversation with you. I can handle being around you while working, but digging up the past…it feels like a mistake.''

''Olivia, if your hesitation is out of some professional courtesy to me, then please forget about it.'' he stated. ''I want to know how you feel. I need to apologize, to make things right with you.''

''To clear your conscience, right?''

Her blunt statement felt like a punch to the face. It reeked of hostility and anger towards him. ''This is in no way about getting closure.'' he replied. ''I didn't want our relationship to end. I never did.''

Her mind pressured her to walk away and never look back. But it was her heart that ruled her in that moment. The emotions between them were painful, the topic more sensitive than she liked to admit. Perhaps it was the right time for an open conversation as her emotions were right below the surface. ''Talk about a double standard when you're the one that let me get away!'' Olivia shot back, her voice filling with fury and unrelenting anger. ''You gave up on us the moment you walked out.''

Barba stepped forward, not knowing how to respond. All he wanted was to convey his regrets, and how he had felt in leaving her behind. ''I couldn't face you in the morning and say goodbye. You were leaving the city, and that meant we were over.'' he said calmly. ''I…'' he tried to say, but Olivia interrupted him quickly.

''Rafael, I woke up the morning after my graduation from the academy to find out that the person who my heart belonged to, the person who I loved, was gone and had left me never to be heard from again.'' she reminded him firmly. ''I carried that around for a long time.''

After her last words filled the room, a silence continued between them. The only sound was their breathing as they separately tried to make sense of their circumstances. Of how to move forward with a situation that felt somehow impossible.

Olivia took a deep breath when tears threatened to fall, but she failed to hide them. The first tear rolled down her cheek slowly while her eyes connected to his. ''I'm not mad at you.'' she whispered, her voice hoarse from the built up emotion. ''I'm just hurt and I don't know how to deal with any of this.'' she cried out. ''It's been nine years! Nine years without you, and that was something I never dared to imagine.''

As he watched her eyes fill with tears, he felt the need to hold her. To protect her from it all. But there was no running away from their feelings. They could either face them or avoid them. ''It was too much for me, Olivia. The situation nine years ago, I wasn't ready.'' he told her gently. ''And I know that facing each other again after all this time is hard. Everything is different now, but what happened between us, that wasn't anyone's fault.''

His voice was indicative of his emotional state, suggesting he was on the brink of tears as well. She had often considered her own heartbreak over his in their circumstances. She'd never accepted that he had a broken heart too. Maybe it was because only silence followed their separation, when a conversation could've cleared the air sooner.

''You were everything to me, Rafael.'' she whispered. ''I mean, we loved each other. But you were also the only person who made me believe that I was worth loving. That my self-worth wasn't measured by my career, but because of the person I am.'' she went on. ''Your belief in me, it changed me. And I did love you more than I thought I could ever love somebody else. But in the end, I think we weren't ready because our careers meant so much to us.''

With watering eyes, he gazed back at her as her words began to carry true meaning. Regardless of the heartbreak they had found each other again, and facing their mistakes was accompanied by many different emotions. Ones he hadn't felt in years.

The love they once shared had been unlike anything else in his life. And as years passed he'd lost sense of what he once was capable of feeling. It took Olivia coming back into his life for him to realize, he still could love. That he was still capable of feeling that.

''Do you still feel that way?'' he mumbled, noticing that the distance between them remained.

She wiped away another tear while she contemplated his question. His own expression mirrored hers as she resisted falling apart and breaking down before him. She'd always taken pride in her strength, in managing her emotions in all aspects of her life. But when it came to the man standing before her, that became something entirely different.

He had changed her in many ways. He stood by her through her mother's death and all the memories that came with it. He was the one man in her life who taught her that love could be something more.

''I don't know.'' she responded. ''What I do know is that I haven't loved anyone like I loved you. I didn't find that again, and maybe it was because I didn't want to. Maybe I've been afraid that nothing else could measure up, and it hasn't.'' she said, her voice softening as she let her arms to fall to her side.

Barba took a step forward and came to stand next to his desk. ''Do you remember that third week after we met?'' he asked and she nodded immediately, giving him confirmation to continue on. ''You came over to my office and we had drinks, talked about our days, like we did all the times before. But I remember that day so vividly because you told me that you stopped dating Rick when you realized you had feelings for me.''

She sighed as a small smile appeared on her face. ''Yeah, I remember that day.''

''That evening when I first kissed you, I knew…I just knew that nothing else could measure up to what I felt for you, Liv.'' he whispered. ''And I was right. Nothing has ever measured up.''

In an instant, she had forgotten her hesitation and any anger towards him as she stepped forward in a steady pace. There was nothing holding her back as her lips connected to his, her body pressing against him with a desperate need.

The kiss began slowly as he tried to register that it was truly happening. Within mere seconds he responded to her deeply as his arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her closer.

She had missed this. She had missed the feeling of melting into his arms with a single kiss. She had missed feeling so complete when she was with him. She had missed it all.

The feeling of her soft lips against his felt amazing, and made him want her even more. It reminded him how desperately he wanted to make up for nine years apart. Yet he wasn't sure if it was happening too soon. If they could really slip back into their relationship like that.

He broke away slowly as he caught his breath, staring down at her swollen lips and blushed cheeks. He was trying to let reality sink in, but their proximity made it nearly impossible. ''That was unexpected.'' he whispered.

She felt his arms still wrapped around her waist as she took stock of what just happened. Her chest was heaving from their actions. Her eyes bore into his as she searched for an explanation from him, and from herself. She had initiated the kiss after all.

''Seems we still have no trouble with that part of our relationship.'' she teased in a light manner to try and lighten the tension left behind.

He leaned forward and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek, slipping one of his hands around hers. ''After all of this is over we should have dinner and take it from there. But for now we should drink, like the good old days.'' he suggested.

She smiled back at him. ''That seems like a good place to start.''


End file.
